Reciprocity in Action

Love As Reciprocity Part 2

Last week, I wrote about the 6 of Pentacles and love as reciprocity. Last week, I also got to experience reciprocity in action through my partner’s friends. They have a relationship that goes deep and has a long memory. He has known some of these people since middle school, and one since they were little kids who could barely talk because they’re a younger brother. Watching them share resources, give without expectation, and reciprocate as they can, when they can was beautiful. It is so different from how I’ve experienced friendship. The examples I’m going to list are going to sound small and unimportant, but they hit me hard in the best way possible.

Why is this so important to me? Well, I have always struggled with friendships. Honestly, finding online friends at 16 was life changing for me. I was able to engage in the deep and profound way that I have always craved, but that isn’t always possible in person. Online friendships have rhythm, routine, depth, care, love. In-person friendships can be very hit and miss with a lot of disappointing cancelations and miscommunications. As someone who struggled with very rigid expectations of others growing up (completely unaware that my expectations of friendships were very odd and strange), the internet was a gift. I am also in a moment of transition where reciprocity needs to happen where I am on a lower rung of the potential power ladder within the relationship.

Hosting is something that my partner and I are new to, and we both get very nervous about it. My partner shuts down and dissociates. I become completely overly helpful and agitated and stuck in perfectionism. So hosting 4 adults was an overwhelming prospect, but they coolest part was that they immediately knew what to do, they knew how to reciprocate hospitality, they knew how to just be together because they’re all besties. Like, besties FOR REAL through and through.

I saw signs of reciprocity in so many instances, and they were tiny, truly, but every time, I was overcome with gratitude and the energy of rose quartz… that kind of big picture love.

The first night, everyone just sat on the floor and ate. We talked, laughed, ate. His friends were passing around drinks so everyone could try the different flavors. There wasn’t any of this prissy, “oh no. It’s ok… that’s yours. Do you have a straw?” nonsense. It was just a sharing of resources that brought joy and conversation. There were no qualms. Again, such a small thing, but I am so used to more acquaintance-style friendships (I guess?) to where everything feels transactional rather than naturally caring.

After Tea Fest, the (human, not kitten) brothers, my partner, and I went out to a tea shop to shop for a couple things for L’s wife and daughter. We all ordered an iced tea. Again, everyone started sharing and sipping, having conversation, etc. L started that, and I did that awkward, I only have acquaintances not friends, thing where I said “Are you sure?” “Yeah, dude! Go ahead!” I, of course, offered up mine as well. I mentioned how cool it is that they’re so open with all of this. My partner said, “It’s playground etiquette. We’re sharing what we love with the people who mean the most to us.” It was a beautiful sentiment, and again, these are really, really small things, but this naturally reciprocal friendship is not anything I have experienced outside of like my online friendships.

As I said in my last post, reciprocity doesn’t need to be tit for tat. It can just be receiving and giving in a way that makes the other person feel seen, loved, heard, cared for. When we were up in Seattle, I went from fine to losing my peripheral vision within minutes of my migraine onset. A offered up some extra strength Tylenol, which saved me from crawling 6 blocks through downtown Seattle. How did I reciprocate? I made sure to invite her to go on a walk with me away from the guitar shop as the boys nerded out over their music stuff, haha.

Reciprocity (whether big or small) is something that has been on my mind a lot because I am in this moment in my life where I am going to have to really be on the receiving end of that 6 of Pentacles as I try to build up this business venture. I am usually the giver of resources with little to no expectation on receiving back. Now, I am in a position where I must be open to receiving. Can I justify this, or do I need to give back everything? Can I reciprocate through other means that may not be financially equal, but give mental or emotional peace? As usual, this love letter is me processing through change, new opportunities, and heavy emotions. I am so incredibly grateful for a safe place to live, rent free, only expectation is that I can pay for my own expenses, but again, I am fighting with reciprocity outside of transactional, tit for tat lens for myself.

I can see and acknowledge the expectations of this set through the societal norms of White Supremacy, but, like many things, is hard to unlearn when we are in that active moment of unlearning without the practice. I am brought back to the practice that happens within SpEd rooms of scripting so everyone has the same response for students. I feel like I need the practice in order to know what to do for the real thing, but the real thing is here, and I am going to make mistakes… and that is ok… I guess 😭

How has reciprocity shown up in your life? What is your relationship with reciprocity? I’d love to discuss more with you! Feel free to comment.

Wishing you well this week! May your life offer what you need in this moment.

With love,

Aventurine ✨