Lapis Lazuli & Turquoise

A journey in rediscovering my voice

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The last two school years have been a lot. I have gone from a very opinionated, very staunch on my morals and expectations human to just lying down and taking the corruption and abuse. Why? I am tired, and I can only take so much beating down before I give up.

Does that mean that I haven’t had any wins? No. There have been wins, but there has been far more successful moments of others beating me down into submission because I just don’t have the energy to keep fighting. This year, it got to the point where I have lost my voice even in my journaling. I no longer want to journal. I no longer want to put pen to paper. Those who have been around for the last couple of years know that journaling has been my go-to for self care, for processing, for manifesting the life I want. At this point in time, I have lost even that.

One thing that has helped my regain my voice and my sense of ownership over my thoughts and self is Substack. I just downloaded Threads, and I thought maybe I would try the Twitter-style writing. I am honestly, stuck in this sense of dread, fear, and not having a voice. Nothing that I say is important because it can’t be summed up in 500 characters or less. Substack though? I think this is a new home for me and my voice.

While this is not my normal type of post, I think it is important, and it actually connects directly back to my spiritual practice. I work, as I’ve said before, with Persephone and Hekate. Since April of 2022, I have been getting consistent messages of leadership, calling in my soul family, sharing my voice and story. I knew that I had been receiving those messages since about June of 2022. I hadn’t realized it has been 15 months of consistent messages like this

I use the Work Your Light Oracle as my Persephone deck. The energy screams Persephone to me, and the messages are about self-empowerment and getting through those dark time. Hello, Persephone energy!

For about 15 months, I have been without a real voice. I have not been sharing stories. I haven not been sticking up for myself, fighting for my needs, advocating for what I know I believe in. This just won’t continue to work for me. For 10 months, I have not posted a new nature post on my IG because I have felt that with everyone else, no one really needed my lens or perspective. That’s where I am. That’s where I have been for a long while now.

Each new moon, I receive 3 cards from Persephone and 3 cards from Hekate. Hekate called to me in this crystal deck. I really love it. She has been giving me turquoise and lapis lazuli periodically since March and April (respectively) of 2022. Have I listened? NOPE! That’s why I keep getting the messages.

Turquoise begs us to tell our stories, to reach out, to use storytelling as a way to heal, to connect, to grow. It helps with our throat energy center. There is also this element of reframing the story, not lying, not enhancing, but instead reframing to see different perspectives. Storytelling can be with images rather than words. I have done the images throughout the last year in my journal. I have done it through collage digitally and analog. I think words, written (perhaps spoken) words need to be approached.

Why am I so hesitant about writing? I am really, really awful at it. I write as I speak, conversationally, disrespectfully, and far too casually. I have been told my entire life that I am not a writer, a painter, and artist. These are deep cut wounds that still have an impact on my ability to write, express, and use my words in a meaningful and helpful way. So, here I am… trying to heal. Trying not to have a panic attack every single time each of these posts go out to you all. Thank you for being here. Thank you for supporting me.

Lapis Lazuli is one of the crystals I have for this month. Those deep heavy blues are always good for your throat energy center. It is also about overcoming fears and looking outside of the fears to grow. For me, fear holds me back. It holds back my voice. My words get stuck in my throat like a lump of dry oatmeal. I can’t speak them. I can barely swallow them. They are just there, and I am there stuck, unable to do anything, say anything.

I have been super diligent about wearing my lapis necklace this summer, and I feel it starting to breakdown some of that barrier I’ve built up. I am starting to let people know what I need, expect, or want before I go back to fawning and trying to fix their emotions. Is that perfect? Absolutely not, but it is an improvement over only freezing, only fawning. It is an attempt at getting my voice back.

I am writing here. I am talking to you all! I am sharing despite the fact that no one asked me to, and I technically wasn’t given permission to do so. While I am not carrying turquoise for this lunar cycle in Gemini, I have carried it enough over the last 12-16 months, that I am beginning to understand that I need to tell my stories. I need to connect with others. I need to get out of that 5 of Pentacles energy of isolation. This was not hermit mode. This was isolation, licking my wounds, and marinating in self-doubt, depreciation, and honestly? Maybe a bit of self hatred.

I am not trying to force this. Although, I am today. I did not know what to write, and I did not want to write, but I am doing it, and that is what matters. I am going to follow that Jupiter in Taurus intention I set. I hope to heal through this, listen to the cards, the goddesses, the crystals, and grow.

I know this was heavy. Please accept this sunrise photo of Mt. Hood as a peace offering. Truly, I want to thank each and every one of you for being here, for allowing me, my voice space in your inboxes and minds.

Wishing you well this week! May your life offer what you need in this moment.

With love,

Aventurine ✨