Over the last week or two, I have been wondering what my creative life, my creative pursuits might look like had my family been less critical of me because I am a girl. Are they all girls? Yes. Did they all get punished for it? Yes. Did I become a daughter instead of a granddaughter and a sister instead of a niece? Yes. Maybe this has happened to you all as well where your role in the family is difference based on gender and/or birth order.
The instance that made me think of this was right after I graduated high school, one of my mom’s friends sent me these beautiful needlecraft books for Beatrix Potter characters. I was so honored that she thought of me, and that she was encouraging my passion for needle craft and Beatrix Potter. Truly, she was one of the first people to see me and acknowledge my interests. I brought the books over to my grandparents’ for my graduation dinner, and when I was showing them off to the aunt who taught me how to cross stitch, my other aunts came over and began to mock me. Truly mock me, asking me why I’d waste my time on such an outdated skill, on why Beatrix Potter, on why I couldn’t be more outgoing and less of a homebody.
This was an interesting response because my grandparents had multiple pieces that both my mom and my one aunt had created (cross stitch or crewel) up in their home, and my cousin’s mom was decent at sewing. I am not sure where the vitriol towards me came other than some 1970s and 1980s white feminism seeping through.
I ended up not trying a single on of those patterns, and I got rid of the books about 5 years later. Looking back, I regret this. At that point, I also pretty much stopped with all of my cross stitch projects as well.
I made this altar cloth for my nana’s altar in summer of 2021. I had just gotten back into needle crafting the summer or so before, but like most things I pick up, I had put it back down. I banged this piece out in 8 hours, and I taught myself 2 new stitches. I think of this project and others I have started, and I truly wonder how much farther. I would be in any creative pursuit had my family been supportive of me like they were with my cousin and all of his theater, choir, and other pursuits. I am happy with how this altar cloth turned out, but I also know that it objectively isn’t very good, and it is quite clunky. That’s fine, truly! I hadn’t started and completed a project in over 10 years at that point. But again, I’m thinking of the what ifs…
As crappy as that side of the family sounds, I am so grateful to have grown up with them because they raised me to be a critical thinker and not follow weird ass dogmas and doctrines that harm me and everyone around me. That being said, I do wonder what amazing crafty and artistic skills I could have gotten had I been raised with my dad’s family instead.
I have mentioned before that my nana was very creative. She was a Sagittarius and embodied that energy through and through, even though she carried herself as a Virgo: grounded, methodical, thrifty, in touch with nature. Her Sagittarian energy came through in her passions, her art. She dabbled in almost every craft and art medium you can think of. I wish that I had more of her work, but I couldn’t bring myself to travel out there again after her death. I do have the piece above and the piece below though, and I will forever cherish them.
Most of my cousins on that side of the family have memories of Nana taking them out in nature, hiking, camping, doing arts and crafts, baking, etc. I have no memories of those with her, and I have almost none of those memories at all within my family because no one thought that was important. And it’s another “What if…” thought for me because what if I had been raised in a family where creativity reigned? Would I have leaned into it or would my ADHD and lack of coordination kept me from fitting. in with another family? I’m not sure.
I want to be clear that I am not mad, but just reflecting. I think there are many instances in life where we are told that we are not good enough, that our interests, hobbies, etc. aren’t worthy, and sometimes one instance sticks out in particular. This one does stick out to me, but my fear of art and crafting began back in kindergarten when I didn’t have the control or attention span to color nicely even when I tried. From kindergarten on up, these insecurities have always plagued me. Every art assignment or class I was forced to do/take, I failed: whether that was an F or a minus. Creating comes easily for some. For me, it’s hard, and it’s something that has required a lot of self hate to overcome because almost no one has seen me or my interests as worthy.
I was telling my partner (of almost a decade) this stuff, and his response was, “If you couldn’t persevere through the haters, then you weren’t meant to do it.” I see his point, but he was also socialized as a man (albeit with the craziest and horribly abusive family) to just try and fail until you succeed. I feel like being socialized in my circles as a girl meant perfection on the first try or it wasn’t for you.
How has your family, your upbringing, your community influenced your creative path? Do you have any what ifs?
Wishing you well this week! May your life offer what you need in this moment.
With love,
Aventurine ✨
I often feel that I have gone backwards with my family!
I remember my childhood being happy and I was supported in my goals/dreams. My Dad travelled all over the place to support me when I played in a brass band and then when I played football and we even became qualified referees together.
Then I grew up and moved away and something changed.
I wouldn’t say that I am not supported but I am number 4 out of 4 in the sibling rankings and I think that it is because I am the most independent. I feel like my parents love is based on how much I need them.
They raised me to be strong and independent but don’t actually like that I am like that?!?
Sorry bit of a ramble there 😂