I have often called myself a control freak, and while that might be true, I have also realized it (though not on my own, definitely with help from community) that I am rigid. I have rigidity of thought, rigidity of ideas, rigidity of expectations. I am a literal thinker on top of it. This rigidity in some ways has helped me with my creativity because it forced me into routine and discipline, but it has also hindered me.
When I work in my journals (tarot, regular, creativity, or reading), I am often struck by this need to have the stickers, washi, colors, or art relate to what I am writing about, experiencing, or reading about. I have a hard time getting out of that rigid and literal mindset. This has also interfered with the way I write about plants, animals, and other spiritual/magical subjects. For the longest time I have only ever written in a grimoire way where it is just correspondences with no personal fluff.
The idea of a grimoire has always been very appealing to me because it is just straight facts and knowledge. It can be used especially as reference for yourself and anyone. A book of shadows has a lot more personal information in it, more editorializing if you will. That to me was just not the vibe. I wanted facts and straight facts. There is definitely some toxic intellectualism and masculine energy running in that line of thinking. It is where I have been for a very long time. Until…
Yesterday, I started with the intention of writing some grimoire pages about some plants I have really been noticing this year on my walks. I had every intention of making it highly prescriptivist and dry. Instead, the above happened. I wrote about my experiences with the plants. I wrote about themes within my life and the lives of my loved ones and how they relate to a plant or two. Burdock has been said to eliminate tumors. Tumors are a theme right now in my circles. Am I guided towards this plant intuitively? I did not know about its healing properties until yesterday when I researched.
This probably seems like a small thing. Why am I writing about it? Why am I potentially wasting your time? This happened yesterday, and all I have been able to think about is how loosening the reins on perfectionism, rigidity, and expectations has allowed me to delve deeper into my intuition and creative nature and connect the dots.
I am obviously still using very themed stickers and colors, but the aesthetic does bring me joy so I am not going to worry too much about it. What is amazing to me is writing for me rather than for whatever societal norm I have pounded into my own brain.
Where are you holding on too tightly? Try to look outside of the usual suspects, the usual spots. Look in the nooks and crannies. I would have never guessed that it was my journaling style… a style that was perhaps never mine to begin with anyway.
It is interesting to me that I have held on so tightly to this very dry, very academic way of communicating facts and knowledge to myself when I know for a fact that I can’t read boring, dry, academic material. If you want me to learn, I need to be emotionally invested, and I learn best through stories and concrete examples. Theory doesn’t mean a thing to me.
Now that I have begun the process of shedding this burden of following a very silly expectation I set for myself, I can’t help but think what else will be blooming this summer?
I want to go back outside and really examine my relationship with the plants that I know and have established relationships with. I want to cook and delve deeply into the ingredients I use day in and day out. I want to write about them outside of this dry, academic way. My intuition, my knowledge is deeper than this White, academic, male-deemed appropriate way. There are gems waiting to come out through my pens, through my fingers, from my spirit.
I am excited to learn a new way and get back to some of my old ways. I used to journal daily, and half of it was intentions and spells… not just the mundane things that I’ve relegated myself to for the last 18 months.
What is your relationship to and with journaling? How do you journal?
Wishing you well this week! May your life offer what you need in this moment.
With love,
Aventurine ✨
I love this reflection and new awareness so much!! I had a similar reflection about my writing for my newsletter. Sometimes I feel like I need to write formally or as a subject matter expert and keep the personal stuff out of it. But I realized that that's not really how I want to write so I'm trying to add more of myself into my writing. Journaling wise it is all very personal.