Living Through the Seasons
Do I really have to be productive during winter?
Hi everyone!
I have been decidedly absent, but not on purpose. Coming back to this feels hard and shameful because I let my routines drop, and I feel like I have truly failed myself. This last month has been a whirlwind of emotions and hurt and frustration, but with a constant string of gratitude because I am alive, fed, housed, and have access to clean water. I am also loved.
In those moments of self deprecation, self loathing, and self sabotage, I try to ground into those moments of tangible love: the texts checking in, the hugs, the offers of help even if I can’t accept them in that moment, the rides to urgent care, and the shoulders where the tears just flowed and couldn’t stop. Real, tangible love. So while I have had hiccups this month, I am still worthy of all that care and love even if I am too mentally, emotionally, or physically unwell to be able to give back immediately.
As I struggle to regulate back into routines after being on strike for 5 weeks, and then getting less than 24 hours notice about going back to work, I have been trying to find my normal again, but it is winter, and I am exhausted with only having 8 hours of light… not sun usually, just grey light.
Normally I am a morning girly, a daytime girly, but I am noticing (for the first time) a winter trend that I have: I become a creature of the night around Yule. I want to stay up late and create, deep clean, listen to the histories of witchcraft or ancient cultures. I want to hibernate through the day, and around 5-6 pm, my fire is lit again, and I feel like I can finally start living. I only have 1 week for winter break this year (as punishment for striking) so I can’t get too far off my 430 am wake up routine, but I can honor my body’s need for more rest during the day.
One thing I promised myself during the strike was that the district wouldn’t steal my winter joy. It has. I care nothing about anything right now, but I have still found beautiful moments of joy. My partner’s sister came to town last weekend, and we went to pick up my brother. I grabbed us all tickets to go to the symphony, and she took this really neat shot of us downtown doing the thing. We all watched A Muppet Christmas Carol with the live music, and it was really fun. The rest of the trip was spent witnessing childhood wounds being healed while also getting to bond with my partner’s sister… who is more of a sister to me than my sister. I can’t wait to see her again.
I was going to opt out of a tree this year, but I found one I love, and I am so happy to have it in its usual spot next to (touching?) my bed and desk. There is something about having a tree in my home that brings me the utmost joy. Looking at all of the ornaments I’ve curated over the last 3 years brings me joy daily. I also got 2 new ornaments from Little Stitch Squeak, which I love. They will be going on my winter altar.
I also got to curate and exchange an advent calendar with
and being on FT while we opened our gifts, talking and laughing and witnessing each other’s joy was magical. It was exactly what my winter season needed. Thank you for that 💜
Finally, I feel like I have really been nourishing my connections as much as possible, and when I slip up, people are there to forgive me and welcome me back. I have been trying to be there for people at work and also being more open with them and letting them see who I am. Despite the mental breakdowns, the physical health issues, and just general malaise, this season has been okay, and it has been because of the people around me who show me love each and every day even when we’re 2300 miles away.
A big takeaway from this year (and past as I reflect) is that routines change for the seasons with me, and that’s ok. I need to be more patient with myself and less rigid about when and how things need to be done. So long as they get done, the time of day doesn’t really matter.
How are YOU doing this season? What has brought you joy? How are you coping with the rising prices of staying alive and the never-ending trauma of the news?
Wishing you well this week! May your life offer what you need in this moment.
With love,
Aventurine ✨
Glad to see you back and I’m sorry that it has been a tough time for you 💖
The Muppets Christmas Carol with live music sounds amazing!!! I went to see The Holiday with live music which was lovely and festive but I am definitely more of a Muppet 😆
So far the winter season is being good to me (apart from waking up earlier and earlier everyday) I’m in my new place, which although is only temporary and doesn’t feel like home, it does feel safe and secure.
It has also been incredibly busy, I work in a Care Home where I organise all the activities and well-being for the home. Thankfully I finished all the prep and can now sit back and relax with all the lovely ladies and gentlemen and make Christmas as special as possible.