Joy Is NOT Toxic Positivity

Joy is simplicity, not forced positivity

Hello everyone!

Joy is something that keeps coming up in the political scene. We won’t let them steal our joy. They won’t take our joy. We will continue to be joyful! Etc, etc, etc. First off, let’s acknowledge that joy as resistance comes from Toi Derricotte, a Black man. It does not come from white women buying their way through HomeGoods. I am White. I am going to acknowledge that before I continue. It is something that we white people have co-opted. I want to talk about it because my partner and I had a very heated discussion about the validity of joy in times of battle and great distress.

Joy as a form of resistance is incredibly triggering for my partner because he sees it as toxic positivity, not as joy. When we’re on the picket line, and he sees the party energy, he’s mad. He is in fight mode. He’s on guard and ready to attack. Seeing people being so nonchalant about things his nervous system perceives as danger sends him into a rage. Just like all of us, he’s still healing. Joy is resistance, especially for our communities of color! So let’s talk about small ways joy can be accomplished.

Let’s define joy. Joy is a feeling of pleasure. The definition says great pleasure, but in our hyperbolic world of using intense words for small meanings, we will stick with just pleasure.

Pleasure does not have to be huge, but it is often sensual. Pleasure can be the sun on your face in February after a long stretch of cold, grey, wet days. Pleasure can be the watching the rainbows from your prisms dancing around your room, little strips of joy smiling back at you. Pleasure can be that first bite of your favorite burrito, chocolate, pizza, coffee, or tea. To experience joy, we experience pleasure, and when we do that, we are actively in our bodies.

Why is this important? We need joy in order to combat hate, exhaustion, hopelessness, rage. Is it bad to feel these things? No. Not at all. Your feelings are your feelings. Feel them, work through them, grow through them. You just can’t do all of that hard work with an empty cup/bucket/heart however you want to describe it. In order to fill our cups, we must be present and grounded in our bodies.

I am a master of dissociation so I understand the difficulty of being in one’s body. We went out last weekend, and I was so overwhelmed by my excitement about what I had thrifted and our next stop, that I immediately left my body. I had to actively work to ground back into it so I -could- experience the joy of our field trip together. Field trips are what we call our dates now. It started back in lockdown when we’d run to the store on our lunch break to see what new snacks were there. We’re both teachers, and we’re coming up on 11 years together. Our dates are much more domestic and errand-y than traditional dates. So they’re field trips, and even that little phrase sparks joy for me because it’s OURS. No one else I know calls their errands and such field trips. In order for our field trips to be fun and spark the joy that fills my cup so I can continue calling my MOC every single day, I must be in my body.

How did I re-enter my body? One, I noticed that the entire experience was beginning to feel like a dream: ethereal, not real, like I was observing rather than experiencing. Two, I took some reaaaalllly deep breaths and breathed in and out through my nose only. (Breathing through your mouth ACTIVATES your nervous system. Breathing through your nose CALMS your nervous system. I never listen to the people who tell me to breathe through my mouth, it only engages fight or flight.) Three, I felt parts of my body in order to remind myself I had one. Finally, I reminded myself that we were going to an overwhelming spot (Homegoods… shut up, I know I scoffed at it up there), and I needed to stay grounded so I didn’t start impulse buying.

It was great! I touched all the things. We came home with only what we needed (cutting boards, though that’s not what we went in there for), and we had lots to talk about on the way home.

Here are some small things that bring me joy each and every day so I can continue fighting the good fight AND having compassion and empathy for others.

• I talk to my friends. I text a minimum of two each day so they know I am thinking about them. Oop! Let me check in with that friend who always checks in with me. She deserves some reciprocity.

• Walking: around the block, up to Tabor, up on Powell Butte, out in Waterfall Alley.

• Wandering around Portland Nursery to look at the plants.

• Stop and smell the roses, literally.

• Thrifting! Homegoods! Ross! I love shopping. I am a dopamine shopper. It’s bad, but it brings me joy!!!

• Taking the time to do my tarot practice

• Journaling (when my brain allows me)

• Substack!! Truly, I love it here. I’ve missed my zest for it. My lack of motivation has been a bummer lately, but here I am!

• Laugh! I laugh multiple times per day!

• Watching the cats sleep. I could do it forever.

• Listen to audiobooks. I go through 2-3 per week!

• Telling my partner “be safe” every time he leaves the house. It’s like a little blessing.

• Having a clean house. I hate cleaning, but I LOVE the end result.

• Making and eating nutritious meals

I don’t do all of this every day, but every single day I can at least tell my friends that I love them, I see them, and I am here for them. I can tell my partner be safe and have a good day. I can watch the cats sleep and enjoy my snugs with them. I can laugh every single day. I can make a gratitude list especially as I enjoy the safe food and clean water from the comfort of a warm, safe home.

Joy is an embodiment, is resistance especially in marginalized communities. It is a form of self and community care to nourish the mind, body, and soul. If you are white and thinking about joy as resistance, each time you do, remember the source of this idea. It comes from the Black community.

Joy is not forced positivity, is not toxic positivity. Those are just ways to spiritually bypass, ways to feed the ego, ways to stay unembodied. You don’t actually have to feel positive or joyful when you are in a state of toxic positivity. You just have to speak words and intellectualize. Joy is an embodiment. Joy is an experience. Joy is something you feel coursing through your body. When you can no longer feel your body, when you can only intellectualize about potential or positive sides or silver linings, you are not experiencing joy. You are muted and disconnected.

What has been bringing you joy lately? Who has been fostering joy in your life? Let me know if any of this resonates with you.

Wishing you well this week! May your life offer what you need in this moment.

With love,

Aventurine ✨

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