How’s your heart? I have taken to saying this rather than “how are you” when I am truly asking people how they are. I feel as though sometimes when I ask people how they are, they tell me what they are doing, or something vague when I want to know more, something deeper. By asking “How’s your heart,” I am usually able to get the answers I am looking for.
My question to you, friends, is this: How is your heart?
My heart right now is heavy, defeated, exhausted. About 30 minutes into this year of school, I was already so far behind on my schedule that I am unable to keep caught up with the general education classrooms and the concepts for which my students need pre-teaching. This is year 3 that I have started legally understaffed, which means I am not taking lunches, getting my preps, etc. I am exhausted. I am defeated. My heart is heavy.
My heart this weekend is in San Diego with my hiking buddy as he takes care of his ex wife as she goes through intensive and experimental cancer treatments. My heart is with him and the kids. My heart is a thousand miles away while also sitting in my chest feeing the weight of my own grief about these major changes in routine, but still enduring them with a minimal (though not completely perfect) amount of tantrums about change.
To be honest, this summer, these last two weekends, all of this has been the longest we have gone without seeing each other in 8 years. It’s a lot, and I miss my friend. I miss my confidant. I miss the laughter and love. I am so proud of him for having the heart and integrity to take care of someone who was so cruel to him because he knows that even the cruel deserve care and compassion too.
My heart is worried about the safety of my AFAB neighbors who are living without stable housing, those who are being massacred by a serial killer, the same killer that PPB told us did not exist. They hid the information from the public because they didn’t want to deal with an alarmed public.
I worry about our kids, our future who are being trafficked and abused on a daily basis. Portland has an absurdly high trafficking rate. I worry for all of us. I wonder if we all had our 2023 basic needs met if some of this cruelty and despicable behavior would cease.
My heart is feeling a lot. My body is living in a space where I only have the capacity for so much activity or stimulation before I am passing out for 8-10 hours. My heart is not feeling only the negative though.
Gratitude is a constant feeling that I experience. I am grateful for housing, safe food, clean water, income, rest, and having all of my other basic needs met. I am grateful to my friends and loved ones who surround me with love, laughter, and support daily. I am grateful for new opportunities, even when I feel like I am unworthy of them. I am grateful for this Substack community, this safe place to just let it all out, even when I sound extra emotional like I do today.
Hope is another one that fills my heart often and often in tandem with the heaviness of worry and anxiety. I am hopeful each day that I will be surprised with something new and positive, something that will brighten my day, an opportunity to see and experience growth. I am hopeful, even as I curl up in bed and take depression nap after depression nap.
How is YOUR heart?
Wishing you well this week! May your life offer what you need in this moment.
With love,
Aventurine ✨
That is a heavy heart to have, take care ❤️
My heart is in a state of flux! Nothing is stable in my life at the moment and as much as I am trying to see the positive it’s hard when I don’t feel like I’m on steady ground.
I’m sending all the hugs, love, and support. These are such heavy feelings and experiences. I hope most of them are temporary and quickly resolved.
My heart is in a state of defiance. I have important choices to make. But I don’t have the heart to make them