As Common Sense Fades, Can We Get Common Empathy?

It's Monday, your kitten spam is here!

Happy Monday!

A lot of changes with the kittens have taken place over the last week. One, They’re 8 weeks old and had their first vet visit. They are all healthy and got their first round of shots. Good job, babies! I am terrified of taking them in for their second round. I’m going to cry.

Another update is that my boy Frances figured out how to climb the puppy gate so it has been removed, and they all know how to climb the stairs! They have staring contests with Romeo and Smoky (the resident family cats of their foster home) through the door as seen above. These kittens are so well socialized and so happy. It makes me so happy!

A more personal update is that I went back to the dentist, and my dentist is healing a boat load of trauma with me. Like, I am at this point where my words can’t fully express the gratitude I have for this man and his ability to be so thoughtful, caring, and empathetic.

Oh Francessssss. Look who’s so handsome!

Back in April, I affirmed to myself that I was going to continue to take care of my dental needs by actually going to the dentist. My teeth have been in disrepair my entire life, and the shame that has been impressed upon me my entire life because of trauma and genetics has been scarring. I have avoided dentists for years and years due to cost but also because I have been mocked, ridiculed, and laughed at so many times.

My current dentist is some heavenly being. He has a son who is 11 who has such intense panic attacks that he needs to be hospitalized. My dentist knows about anxiety because of this, and he treats me, and I am sure others, with the feather light touch that he would his son. It has made all the difference.

Look at this dapper little Scrappy! I almost have regrets about choosing Frances over him… Almost.

On Saturday, I went to the dentist, and instead of giving me a laundry list of things to do and a quote for $50,000-$100,000, he said, “We’re not going to have you leaving with a to do list. We are going to do one thing at a time and focus on that.” No one has ever treated me with such dignity.

He didn’t force a cleaning on me. I got my teeth cleaned, but he didn’t make me do it. He gave me a sample of what it would feel like. I consented (mainly because I bullied myself), and he said, “We need to set up. We’re going to give you 5-6 minutes to reset so you can mentally prepare.” I’m sorry, but did this PROFESSIONAL just give me time to regulate? Yes, yes, he did. This is when I cried. No one was watching. I cried because I was overwhelmed with gratitude and positive emotion. I have never been treated with such dignity regarding my teeth and phobia.

This Angel Baby is growing up to look so much like her mama.

He went through the cleaning. He gave me breaks when it hurt. He told hilarious and heartbreaking stories. He promised not to use any of the cold water because my teeth are so sensitive. He coached his assistant (this one was new to me) in how to handle patients with severe anxiety/phobias. I left with clean teeth, my dignity in tact, and a lump of gratitude in my throat. Nothing was bad during this appointment. Not a single thing. Yet, I have had to process and process and process because why isn’t this level of care the norm?

I know that co-regulating with people is hard. I do it all day every day in my classroom, and a lot of it is physical co-regulation along with the verbal. It is truly exhausting. My dentist co-regulated with me for 90 minutes as we got through everything. I go back in a couple of weeks for 2 fillings and a stain removal. At this point, I am not nervous. I feel… safe… and that’s a first. My dentist is helping me rewire my brain after a literal lifetime of dental trauma.

Can we move to all care being this way? Again, I get that co-regulating is exhausting, but not everyone is going to need it or need it at the levels that I do. Part of my trauma is from the first memory I have of brushing my teeth. Horrific things were happening below me downstairs. Tears, screaming, hyperventilating, Cinderella being read aloud as a distraction. I was 3. Not everyone is going to have this level of trauma. Not everyone is going to need this level of empathy and care. But can we have this be standard in all care professions? I have seen a huge increase in it over the last 10 years, and that makes me hopeful.

Oh look! It’s my little derpy boy. Y’all, HE IS SO CUTE!

Can we move through the world through the lens of “I’m not sure this person’s story so I will lead with compassion and patience rather than assumption.” This is something that I will be working on my entire life. I am quick to judge/assume, and I have a short temper. I have become so much more patient over the last decade, but I have more work to do. I want to be incredibly intentional about being more patient, less irritable, less critical. I have had to do a lot of unlearning, and as much as I’ve done there is so much more to do.

Why am I writing about all of this on a Monday… when y’all are supposed to be getting lighthearted love letters? Well, I think that this experience has made me hopeful. I can feel myself actively healing, and it’s something I’ve never experienced in this way. If there is hope for me to be able to do dental care, then there is hope for a lot of change in the world.

My phobia runs deep. The word dentist used to make me immediately stop breathing and begin crying. My entire nervous system would freak out. I would hit freeze, and if I could flee, I would. Now, I am able to not just say the word, but I am able to attend and stand up for myself. There is hope for change in this world.

On a significantly lighter note, my hiking buddy also got a new kitten this weekend. Her name is something idiotic because his kids are dumb af, but to me, she is Evangelina, Evie for short. I refuse to call her by their given name. She is Evie.

I am super grateful for the people who have let me process deeply, who have been so supportive, who have let me cry the biggest alligator tears you’ve ever seen because I was holding in so much anxiety. Tension reduction is the most important phase of an escalation/dysregulation episode. Take the time for your tension reduction.

What is making you feel hopeful today?

Wishing you well this week! May your life offer what you need in this moment.

With love,

Aventurine ✨